Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Temple For the Last of the Cursading Aliens
WARNING – I’m about to spoil the hell out of this movie. Indie meets the aliens from Roswell.
Pissed? Good. So was I. Granted, you might be pissed at me, but that’s fine. Go see the movie. and you’ll hate yourself for not taking my advice of NOT seeing it.
Were to begin this sordid tale…
A long time ago, in a theatre far far away, a boy watched a brave man fight against Nazis and evil temple priests. The brave man used a whip and a gun, and he liked to punch people. A lot. Then, just after his dad got shot by some Germans, the brave man took a vacation.
For nearly 20 he roamed the badlands of the New England library circuit, searching for new and exciting treasures that he could go dig up.
Then the Soviet spies infiltrated America, kidnapped him, and took him off to a big warehouse, convienantly adjacent to a nuclear testing site. Shortly after they arrived at the National Undisclosed Massive Building for New / Unused Treasure Stuff (NUMBNUTS), Indie forgets that he’s Indian Jones, and starts thinking he’s McGyver. After finding the alien remains housed in the NUMBNUTS warehouse using gun powder and shotgun pellets, Indie escapes the soviets using a rocket car, only to wind up in the middle of Nucleartown, USA. That’s the little play town that got leveled during the nuclear test blasts in Nevada.
It’s ok, though, because Indie will save him self. He’ll use his wits, and his cunning, and a Fridgidaire model 9000t refrigerator. Apparently, during the Cuban Missile Crisis, people shouldn’t have built bomb shelters, they should have went a purchased a shiny new blast proof fridge. I was still ok at this point.
Then the bomb goes off.
Our hero gets hurled several hundres yards in a refrigerator, while EVERY OTHER STRUCTURE IN SIGHT gets atomized.It is at this point, I begin to get slightly worried.
Fast forward, and our hero is being questioned by the janitor from Scrubs. All hope for this movie is dying fast.
A couple of days later, Indie gets fired because he’s too good at being American for the likes of J. Edgar Hoover. Hope starts to creep back to life. Nothing says good movie like the Red Scare of the fifties. Enter dubiously strait Shia LeBeouf. On a motorcycle. I had to stifle the laughter. The dainty LaBeouf looks like a would be Fonzi at a rainbow day parade. But, because the clothing wasn’t enough of a disguise to make little Doris Dykers look butch enough, the gave him a tough sounding name: Mutt. It’s kind of funny, I guess. Indie uses the name that belonged to his dog, so why shouldn’t the kid? I would love to know what committee / focus group made this happen. I’ve prepared little packets of ground up glass disguised as Splenda for them.
From this moment on, the movie becomes less of and Indiana Jones film, and more of a Mel Brooks spin off, but with less humor, subtlety, or imagination. I would have felt less cheated out of precious life and ticket money if Christopher Walken had played Indiana Jones instead of Harrison Ford.
The movie just digs in deeper from here. At some point, the producers thoght “remember that cute trained monkey from Raiders? What if we get ONE THOUSAND of them, and they help the gay kid fight the commie lesbo chick? It’ll be HUGE!”
And so, the jerk who made King Kong do Jujitsu a couple of years ago got a phone call, and rushed out to ILM to make a ton or fake monkeys obey the bidding of a sexually confused biker chick named Mutt.
And we still haven’t gotten to the aliens.
To be honest, I pretty muchch checked out after the monkies, and didn’t pull out of my self-induced protective coma until I saw the alien mother ship coming out of the ground beneath the Myan city. There was some BS about a stargate, or protal or something, but I really wasn’t paying attention. It was hard to hear over the sound of George Lucan and Stephen Spielberg laughing around the fat cigars they were holding in their teeth.
All I want to know is, why does George Lucas like to rape the childhood memories of his fans? He’s like a less charismatic, un-inventive Steve Jobs. He hates his customers, he shows his hatred of us by releasing stuff, and we pay for it whether it’s good or not. I think he and Steve are brothers.
